I felt defeated, discouraged, guilty, lazy. Unable to “do” what I’d planned. Letting others down. Now, nine months after my second chiari malformation brain surgery but still rehabilitating, I’d forgotten that I may look “fine” and I’m able to “do” at times, but other times? I just…can’t. Those times come without warning, out of my control.
Into my discouragement, our Lord gently reminded me of a beautiful experience during my surgery’s hospital stay… a time of simply “being”…as His “doing.”
Belonging to Jesus, “being” who we are in Jesus Christ
I’d made a playlist for the hospital—of course! It’s part of who He’s created me to be! The playlist was filled with worship music:
- to adore my Lord in sung prayer;
- to breathe into the physical pain to aid healing;
- and sustain me through the emotional and spiritual battles that usually come with severe pain.
I’d planned to use earphones to have the music throughout the hospital days. Except I awoke with a bandaged hardshell helmet covering my ears. To use music, it had to be played out loud.
A few days after surgery, my private time with Jesus and my husband became time with a roommate. Yet, I physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually needed to worship the Lord in song. So, I tried to keep the music soft, not to bother or potentially offend her so she might ask me to turn it off.
“Oh please, turn that up,” she gasped to me, in her agony as we both groaned in pain in the wee hours of the night. “Are you a Christian too?” “I am. We’re sisters in Christ!”
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
naught be all else to me, save that thou art –
thou my best thought, by day or by night,
waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.
(“Be Thou My Vision,” Hull, E. H. & Byrne, M. E., trans., 1927)
“Being,” in Jesus Christ became His “doing!”
Our hospital room of agony became a room of worship to our Lord Jesus Christ. We both sang weakly, trying to catch our breath when the pain still cut through our heavy medications. One particular nurse was clearly having a rough night and kept returning constantly, praying aloud to our Lord and praising Him with us.
For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them (Mt. 18:20 ESV).
My roommate cried her relief, “I was a mess, couldn’t fathom that I’d have to be hospitalized again, so discouraged, feeling so abandoned and unloved. This music is helping!”
We felt safe, talking about all the ways that chronic illness and pain affect us as believers, all the lies of the enemy that try to turn us from our Lord. In moments we could both easily talk, we honestly shared across the fabric curtain separating us from one another’s view.
Romans 8:28 was in our shared view!
Be thou my battle shield, sword for my fight;
be thou my dignity, thou my delight,
thou my soul’s shelter, thou my high tow’r;
raise thou me heav’n-ward, O Pow’r of my pow’r.
“Being” is His “doing”: More Mary time than Martha time
Now, Jesus also encourages me in my currently discouraging “downs” of rehab…just ”be” who you are…in Christ.
No fretting over “doing.” For it paradoxically is…good.
When my body and brain can’t handle “doing,” choose the good portion. The useful portion…
making the best use of the time, because the days are evil (Eph. 5:16 ESV).
Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word;
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord;
thou my great Father, I thy true son;
thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.
“Being” with Jesus, untroubled, God’s gift of grace
I understand Martha, whom Jesus loved deeply. I get her “troubled about many things” (Lk. 10:41) doings and discouragement. I know the self-focused, self-pitying, constantly “doing” according to what is expected of me, and her critical judgment of her sister Mary. For me, it’s not so much others.
It’s my own thoughts of “I should,” as more of a Martha personality.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
thou mine inheritance, now and always:
thou and thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art.
In the “being” times, He is showering me with grace, His gift! Quiet worship, resting still in adoration and treasuring of our beloved Savior! Such a “good portion!” And one glorious day? I will get to see Jesus, “doing” eternal life with Him…forever! Hallelujah to our Lord and King, Jesus Christ!
He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6 ESV).
High King of heaven, my victory won,
may I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heav’n’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all.
Resources to treasure Jesus Christ, with Jesus Christ
As a former music therapist, I’ve created this week’s playlist gift to help me and other suffering sisters in Christ to treasure and adore Jesus, “being” with Him in our pain.
Sign up here and it will come to your email, with love and prayer. Other resources are also below:
To hear Scripture devotional with calming hymn playing, click here for YouTube podcast.
Prayer and a longer music therapy-inspired podcast of Scripture and song for chronic illness and pain
Devotional Bible study prayer journals, available on Amazon. Click for details.
Praying God’s Promises Into Suffering
Singing the Gospel to Job: Finding Hope in Suffering
Near to God: A Devotional Bible Study of God’s Character in Our Suffering
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