I detest being in conflict. Relational conflict keeps me up at night. I run past conversations on repeat in my mind, ruminate on words I might say tomorrow, and kick myself with guilt for what I did or didn’t say today. When someone disagrees with me, my knee-jerk response is to wear a plastered smile mask, silently pretending everything is fine. I thought this was being a peacemaker. My silent response might project a surface peace, but it doesn’t make peace at all.
If suffering is “something I don’t want,” relational conflict is deep suffering for me. But sometimes disagreement has to be discussed before conflict becomes war. God held me as we talked:
Talking to God about conflict
“Father, this work colleague is hurting me. Gossip, slander, lies, cruelty. I can’t ignore it anymore. What do I say? I’m a total wreck.”
Jesus! What a friend for sinners!
Jesus, lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.
Jesus, What a Friend for Sinners! (Chapman, J.W., 1910)
“Lord, the more I replay his words in my head, the more I realize I’m angry at him. Such arrogance, pride, insecurity. It’s wrong. It’s not fair. I’m furious.”
Jesus! What a strength in weakness!
Let my hide myself in Him;
Tempted, tried, and often failing,
He my strength, my victory wins.
“OK. I’m afraid, but I will talk to him. I know it’s Your will. I’ll bravely use ‘I-messages’ and listen. Help me find out what’s wrong and how we might change things together.”
Acting on God’s Word in conflict
We met over a meal. Eating together invites restored relationship, right? I’m sure my reddened neck and face revealed my discomfort as I faced my adversary. I asked him, “What can we do to make it better?” He completely disagreed with my views about a project. I had no idea. I needed to hear his words rather than pretending things were fine. Our foundational goals conflicted. I realized compromise was impossible. Sadly, things worsened.
Jesus! What a guide and keeper!
While the tempest still is high,
Storms about me, night o’ertakes me,
He, my pilot, hears my cry.
Keep on talking to God about conflict
Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (Mt. 5:44 ESV).
“Father, this is an enemy, one who is aggressively harassing, backstabbing, hateful because we disagree on the basics. I can’t love this enemy.”
(Selah)
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Lk. 23:34a ESV).
Jesus! I do now receive Him,
more than all in Him I find;
He hath granted me forgiveness,
I am His and He is mine.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all (Rom. 12:18 ESV).
Grace-filled freedom of the gospel, into our conflict
Although the situation didn’t change and it felt emotionally impossible, the Lord changed my heart. He reminded me of His overwhelming and saving sacrificial love for me at the cross. Because Jesus took my punishment upon Himself—I was His enemy before I ever knew Him—He would help me to continually forgive anyone condemning me, by His grace.
I was set free!
Because the Holy Spirit dwells within me as a believer, He produced amazing fruit of the Spirit:
- Love
- joy
- peace
- patience
- kindness
- goodness
- faithfulness
- gentleness
- self-control (Gal. 5:22 ESV).
The Holy Spirit enabled me to function alongside this person as I sang praise to my Savior for His saving, sanctifying grace.
Singing the gospel to myself
Singing of His peace, found only in the gospel, was His daily healing balm. Although we disagreed at core levels, my colleague’s words could no longer condemn me or hurt me. I could respond to him without anger because the Lord released my hurt into His grace. Singing the gospel to myself allowed me to make space for this person and respond peaceably in hurtful moments, until our work project ended. All by grace. Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Hallelujah! What a friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving
He is with me to the end.
Is relational conflict a hard space of suffering for you too, dear friend in Christ?
I’m walking alongside you and have created a YouTube playlist to serve as a gospel-infused “peacemaking” encouragement for all of us. If you would like to sing the gospel to yourself as you seek His grace in making peace, sign up here!
